Sunday, June 25, 2006

Week-end Wrap Up.

Not a totally horrible week. Not a smashingly groovy one either.

I am feeling fairly ok I think, mebbie.

I am not terribly stressed. Not enough to break my run of not smoking at the least.

As of tomorrow, approximately 6:15 pm I will have been cigarette free for SIX WEEKS.

He Haw!

Opps, I am supposed to do my next step down in dose of the nic-o-tine patches. I will decide tomorrow if I will go ahead with the step down from 14 mg dose to 7, or stick with the 14 for at least one more week.

Honestly right now I am leaning to staying on the 14 mg dose for at least one more week.

Like I said I am not terribly stressed this week.

that doesn't mean my week was not MUTHAFAWKING Un-Necessarilly and heionously stressful.

That only means that as I am typing here now, I am not fucked up.


Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Mexican Standoff

Yes the Evil Mean Nasty World and myself are still at that point of mutual combat known as the "Mexican Standoff."

The Evil Mean Nasty World still does not show any compassion for me, so I am withholding any for it. Not that I am actively wishing for any ill to happen to the world, but I am indifferent to it's prospects and fortunes, as it were, and until further notice is given.

I don't care if it is not even there when I wake up in the morning (never minding the logical impossibility of me being 'in being' without the Cruel World being there too; I am taking literary license here, I admit!)

But if it should be there, mocking me and my futile attempt to wrest one tiny morsel of joy out of it (for a RARE change) come morning, I will try to take some small pleasure in some small thing and call myself ahead of the game.

After all; I may be grouchy, and dissapointed, and feeling put upon, but that does not mean I expect things to miraculously start going my way all the time. I am bitter, and sour, and have been joyless for years it seems, but I am not delusional.

I just want a break, damnit.

Show to me there actually is some good stuff to be had (still).

Give a guy a break!

Ok that is it for my crank tonight.

Beddy bye time for me.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

You Haven't Beat Me Down Yet, You Cruel World, You!

I am not giving in that easy, nor just yet.

Yes you are a cruel bastid.

Yes, you have taken the love, the joy, even the merest of anything of value from my life (save creature comforts), and I am not yet defeated.

You, you vicious and uncaring world, you may think that you can strip me of all the intangible support of anyone not related to me by blood, and totally deprive me of that sense of being valued for being just myself, and you might think that that will stop me dead in my tracks and make me whimper like a whipped puppy, but I got news for you you ugly heartless world.

I have at least one card left to play and here it is.

Now I could choose to DESPISE you, world. I could hate you world with a passion you can not even understand if you want to keep on playing your sadistic game with me. But instead world, I will go that one step further.

I shall be indifferent to you, world.

That might not be as active a means of punishment as you have done to me, ugly selfish, wicked thing you are world, but honestly, that is all I got.

I am not going to burn you down or take you down or even do anything that takes more energy than the hurling of weak dismissive adjectives at you. However, I am not going to care if you continue to exist or not.

You have made your case clearly.

You have no use for me, and as a result I have no use for you, world.

Except for my creature comforts.

And music.

And art.

And good food.

and good drinks.

Beyond that, I have no need for you!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Still Hoping For That Dose of Niceness Here

Jeeze-um! What's a guy got to do to get a little niceness in this life? Give Blood?

No wonder I am taking my evenings napping more often than not lately.

Ok, that is not the REAL reason I am napping earlier, but shoot, what is the point in trying to stay up in the evening if not for pleasantries, and I mean deliberate pleasantness, at minimum?

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

No Clarity of Thought or Mind, but . . .

Hell, at least I am past the one month off cigarettes marker.

Enough about that though.

Well at least as the main course. Let me see if I can integrate that in one of my stream of conscious blater prather 'hell if I know where I am going with this' postings.

I have been getting deeper in touch with my feelings; I guess that is a good thing, but for the fact that people really don't care about that stuff; my stuff at least.

Usually, however, I am having a decent enough time being alive. Ya, my job is mostly boring but sometimes it can be entertaining. Marginally sometimes. I am feeling healthier on account of that whole not killing myself thing. Ya is good that. However I can get angry and depressed about things I have no control over.

Hmm funny that. I took control (with the help of the patch) of something that was biologically depressing myself (yea for getting a grip on that), but things I have no control over anger and depress me?

I think there is some relation to the helplessness I feel about the rest of the world, and feeling shitty about all of that.

Anyway, YES, I did dovetail it, and YES, I did not plan it, and YES, to-night I need niceness if not love to feel much of any better than I do right now.

I don't feel crushingly oppressed, but I feel mostly disconnected.

Guess it is an ordinary day, afterall.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

I was going to carry on more about the People Who Are Assholes thing . . .

I had it all brilliantly laid out in my mind last night, as I was relaxing in bed, getting ready for the sandman's visit. However, right now I don't want to bother all that much with constructing sentences, and then marshalling them into (mostly?) coherent paragraphs, and lead the reader to some preordained and natural, logical conclusion.

Reason for that is likely because I just finished a semi-stream of conscious and semi-planned diatribe about how the Bush Admin's War in Iraq is behind Iran's wet dream of having nukes of their very own (yes I basically gave up politics here, but I still dabble in ANALYSIS on a board or two.)

But anyway . . . here is my thesis, albeit less than elegantly told:

I am begining to believe that not only is the high % of assholes among the human race never likely to slack off, but prehaps may not even be an accident. It very well could be the result of some Darwinian Glitch, some ancient mutation in the genome; some junk in the collective DNA of the species; some bad code still found in the collective code of humanity.

Afterall, assholes are the cockaroches of the species, and as we all know, roaches are the most adapatable vermin out there; nature's champion surviors. So what does the survival traits of roaches have to do human (looking/seeming) assholes?

Not that this thought only came to me after reading the article I did, this past week; it has been part of my data set for decades. But I read something that triggered these old thoughts in a paper this week in an article about human mating and dating selections.

As I have suspected, and as proven (so say they) by some researchers, women are more likely to be attracted to the more seeming virile looking of men, when they are closer to ovulating, as opposed to being further away from that point in their cycles.

**Link to an article explaining this theory, not same one I read**

And as far as the alleged virility is concerned, what if there is some connection between seeming virility and some other traits? What if excessive levels of testosterone is more likely to produce brutish traits? Perhaps the unintended result of an excess of the male hormone very often leads to men who are . . . loud, pushy, grasping, greedy, destructive, overly aggressive, selfish and too fond of farting and fart jokes?

In other words, what if there is a connection between the superficial traits of seeming virility and those of the Common Human Male Asshole?

Hmm. That research supports the thought I have had for years. That (sorry ladies) there is a defect in the X chromosome that allows for women to look at a male asshole, ignore the brutish asshole traits (and attraction to farting and fart jokes), focus on the seeming virility, reproduce and pair with such males, thereby creating another generation of assholes (and eventually keeping divorce lawyers and psychologists and marriage counselors employed.)

And the cycle continues, on and on.

Oh and before I get hammered on by women for my statement about the defect on the X chromosome, let me say that firstly . . . ladies there has to be some biological reason for them assholes still being around after 10,000 years of human civilization. I do not mean it as insult but only as explaining a cruel trick of nature. Years and centuries and tens of centuries ago, a woman had a higher chance of being protected by a less evolved male. Survival depended less on verbal and reasoning skills, and more on being more beastly than whatever or whoever the male had to compete with, for scarce necessary resources.

But do we still live in that kind of world? Do we still need to protect and perpetuate (as primary traits), as a species, the traits that made for a perfectly suitable member of a tribe of prehistoric hunter gatherers, or do we need more thinkers and more thoughtful males, now? (I think every male, if not person, currently alive on the planet has some of the traits as secondary, in the code; that will never be bred out of us, I imagine, so nothing will be lost, it seems if we loose the asshole traits as primary traits except for Howard Stern Fans.)

Oh and further (if only to be fair) I will admit to the 'as bad if not worse' glitch on the Y chromosome:

There is not good reason for men to think that Pretty Women, or Women with Big Tits, or Wide Hips and some Juicy Junk in da Trunk, or any other sexually attractive (to the male in question) features make any woman more interested in having sex with one of us, than some Plain Jane, Mousy Mary looking lady.

Hmm but ain't that a sexy look too? I prefer that to Hoochie Mammas, myself!!
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