Still Not Dead Yet.
she who broke my heart. She who friendzoned me and dumped if not me (spare me the semantics) at least chose the attentions of another, over me. (I had to change love to attentions, as I am fairly damn sure he doesn't love her. I am sure he is a narcissist and is treating her like a trophy, and a favorite lay -- meaning I am sure the fucker is cheating on her. Fucking narcissist!)
I actually wish I could hate her. I wish I could take the intensity with which I loved her once, and turn that into an inferno of despite and contempt equal and opposite in scope and energy. But I can't. Manly on account of two reason. One. I actually did love her that well. Nobody loves selflessly. Love has a selfish component built in. And still, I did love her well enough that I accepted her rejection rather quickly, even if not quietly. And the other reason is I know her history, her mind, and the damage of her formative years well enough to know pretty damn well why she is who she is, and why she kicked me to the curb. Ya. I don't look or act like her narcissistic and evil father. I don't remind her of him one tiny bit. So I am out of there. Never had a chance. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
And yes, I have to 'worst case scenario' the thing because hope is hopeless here. Whether or not she really had feelings for me, is so not the point. The point is I have take it as the only truth she never did. That way I can stay more than not focused on the need to believe I never want to see her again, and never want closure. That would be the worst of all fucking options, to have one of those shitty assed closure conversations. It is actually better to just assume I meant nothing to her and never will again, than have to put up with the bullshit. And by that I mean some, "Gee I'm sorry you took it so badly, I did not mean to hurt you," condescending, toxic bullshit.
"Of course I took that shit personally. You chose someone else over me. I don't give a fuck about the why. I don't want to hear how you can't help who you fell for or feel for. I am a god damned adult. I know fucking full and well that all that 'love is magic' infantile bullshit is nothing more than infantile bullshit."
I will stop here. It has been a year since I had any contact with her. And like I say above, I need to believe that I never want to see her again. Intellectually I know that is what I need. And for the most part, I believe that in my heart as well. Venting ending!