Monday, January 09, 2006

Personal Stuff (Without getting too deep in the messy details.)

Where to start?

How about with the baseline fact? I am very sensitive. I don't think I am one of those with an 'eggshell' ego, but still, I have low to no tolerance for some things that apparently some folk have greater resistance to, or ability to ignore or otherwise tolerate.

Things like:




And that is particularly the case in text-based communication; like the joke I heard once where the idea was that some women can get away with saying anything, because of their cute accents. Unfortunately the accent gets lost in text, as well as context, clarity, emotion. In my mind anything that is remotely not kind (if not clearly is unkind) in text, comes across as harsher than intended by a factor of THREE.

And on top of that, I do tend to get agitated by anything that is a cut. That covers a lot of territory, and it is, admittedly, a very subjective thing. And here is where my particular sensitivity comes in.

At the moment the cut is delivered, when it triggers the expected and natural response (at least on account of the way I am wired), I will start to take offense no matter if I have reason to believe it is intended to wound or not. Perhaps that is not so much a factor of how I was born, perhaps my legal training makes my mind see only the merest of distinction from negligence and deliberate malicious intent; the end result is the important part, right?

And I am well aware of the fact I have that trait. My typing about it here is evidence of that much self-awareness. And my usual way of trying to compensate for that is to let those close to me know that about me, and ask them to respect those boundaries. I do not want to cramp anyone's style. Nor am I trying to control anyone. I let them know. "This is me. This is what I expect from anyone who is close to me. That is what I can not tolerate, so please, do not do that to me. That is the boundary."

Additionally, I will try, when it seems to be a negligent cut (instead of a deliberate cut), to put off the full (alternatively described as) "Fight or Flight" response, "Indignation, " or in plain English, "Bug-out." What I will do, with some variation, is inform the (perhaps unintended) cutter:

"You cut me. Ouch that hurts! "

(And if I am in a tighter state of self-control)

"I FEEL as if you cut me. Ouch, that hurts!"

That is when the clock starts to tick. That is the short period of suspension. When I say something like the one or the other, there is an underlying, implied message, and that is something like: "I need to hear something nice from you soon, or I am going to assume you do not care you cut me." Actually, all that is required, usually, is what I consider to be the "Magic Word;"


And why am I going off on this tanget today?

Because I had one of these episodes on Saturday night.

The cut was likely not intended (which is to say I am convinced it was not intended.) The suspension words were uttered (typed) by me. And instead of a nice quick fix up, I ended up in an escalating round of cut and counter cut that lead to a very ugly fight with someone. As is usually if not always the case, there was a communication breakdown early on, and yes, a large part of that was sucking text problems, and additionally my thinking the worst of the person in question, as once the suspension period starts, leave alone ends, I get tunnel vision. All I care about in that time frame is hearing the kind of soothing words that will tell me everything is ok; honestly the single word "SORRY" is usually all I need to hear (read.)

But speaking of the word sorry, I am sorry that happened, and I am sorry I blew a gasket, after the time for the soothing words had passed, unsatisfied, and I ended up going into full bug-out mode.

But at this point I can't do anything about it but say:

"Fuk'en shit, I hate that shit!"

Well I can say more. I said it in the ecard . . . . that hasn't been picked up yet.


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